04/27/2021 08:33 PM  blog of the day Current mood:  accomplished Nothing super fancy happened today except for me getting my permit. I was very nervous about it especially bc I only studied for it once or twice a day before the test, but it was super simple. My dad offered to let me drive around a bit today but I declined bc I just don't want to drive with family. I've never had a good relationship with them, and I'd just feel awkward. I'm sure he'd get frustrated and yell also and that deteres me from it even more. I'll just drive around with a friend until I get the hang of it more. The lady said if I wanted I could get my license by Friday but I doubt I'll do that. The rest of the stuff for Misa came in today minus the skirt, which I'll get in about a week. It's all so cool I wanted to get into cos tonight but it was a hot day today and that wig would've made it worse. I'm also almost to CP levels in eso, which is something new to me considering I've never been able to stick to one character long enough. Excited about that, kind of. My partners family is having a cookout on Friday but I don't think I'll get to go to it since I've got to work and I can't trade with anyone. Which f***ing suuuucks, I haven't seen him in awhile and I want to. That's about all that happened today. I like doing these, especially since no one is subscribed to my blog ^^ I can recount my day to the void, it brings me joy. 0 Comments  Report Post

04/26/2021 10:21 PM  bad night Current mood:  drained Today went well, I did my laundry and cleaned up my room. I even cosplayed for a bit. But I'm not too great now,, my partner and I got into a slight argument and I feel sh*tty. I'm kind of an emotionless person now, zombified maybe. I wasn't medicated when we first got together so I was always depressed and anxious, even suicidal. But now I am medicated and I'm none of those things. Except I don't show affection anymore. I don't really feel it. I know I love him I just can't feel emotions unless they're super dulled. That of course affects him because he isn't feeling the love and affection he needs or deserves. I wish I knew how to turn those feelings back on in my brain but I haven't found a way yet. He wants me to try talking to my doctor again and getting a lower dosage or a different medication, but I'm kind of reluctant because I don't like change and I've been on this same medication for around 5 years or more. I agree it does suck I can't feel good emotions strongly anymore, but that compared to me being unbearably anxious about something that happened before I even knew he existed is so much better to me. It may sound selfish but I'd much rather feel this way than the way I did before. I just need to find a way to force myself to show him love and affection. It's hard though. I do adore him. He's put up with me through so much and he continues to do so. I'm just kind of an ass. Or not, I don't know. I can't really percieve myself. I'm mentally ill and I don't think he understands to the full extent of how much and how bad it can be for me. I don't exactly talk about everything to everyone. I want to relapse self harming often but I don't mentoin it to anyone. Idk, I'll be fine tomorrow. Or maybe in an hour, who knows. 0 Comments  Report Post

04/25/2021 08:39 PM  annoyed,, Current mood:  angry I'd really appreciate it if whenever someone takes my gma somewhere they let me know. I came home from work today and the tv was left on, but she was nowhere to be found. I checked the house and when I didn't see her I called her cellphone, which rang in the living room. She's suffering with dementia so I worry if I don't know where she is. I text her sister who normally is with her, but she doesn't respond. So after another search through the house I call her and thankfully she is with one of her sisters, but I'm still pissed off because no one let me know anything. I live with her. She's here now so I shouldn't be mad still but I think I have reason to be. Anyways, I've been reading a lot more of death note and I'm only around 20 chapters until the end. I don't want it to end yet I'm so invested in it. I watched the anime when I was in middle school but I quit watching it once L died. So I've picked it back up years later. I want to cosplay Misa and I just might. I'd also like to cos Mello or Matt though.. I'm also mad that I woke up late today. I normally try to wake up around 11 so I can drink coffee and chill out before going to work around 3, but I must've slept through my alarm because I woke up around 1:30. I feel like my days go by too fast and everything is just a blur so I tend to beat myself up for sleeping. I know I shouldn't because my body needs rest but I can't help it. There's so much I'd like to do but I don't feel like I have the time. 0 Comments  Report Post

04/24/2021 09:52 PM  very nostalgic 2day Current mood:  nostalgic I have three days off after tomorrow and I'm certainly looking forward to them. I haven't had time to really clean since I've been working a lot. That's fine though I'll get caught up soon as long as I have the motivation. Totally going to go through my old clothes and find some of my teen clothes to see if I can still wear em, rly wanna go back to my scene/emo phase. Not that I'm actually out of it I just don't wear anything fun bc I work almost daily and don't leave my house otherwise. Really wanting to dye my hair black and lime green also but I have to wear green at work so I don't want it to clash. If I don't do that I'll just go back to blue or something. Ah I love putting my thought out onto the internet like this. Feels so nice lmao. Updated my profile pic to Toga, I get more attention when I look fem I've noticed. Listening to my old playlist currently also, little kandi raver :) 0 Comments  Report Post

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04/22/2021 11:10 PM  My day?? Idk Current mood:  restless I'm trying to find something to do while I wait on some mods to finish up downloading. Today wasn't that interesting other than someone coming in and buying all of our pokemon cards. I got a few packs beforehand though. Got two good cards. A holographic legendary mawile and a holo meloetta. Pretty happy about that. Should've gotten more packs while I had the chance though, we just got them in today too. We haven't been getting cards in much lately. 0 Comments  Report Post

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