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Myspace Layouts - Myspace Editor - Visitor Map
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08/07/2021 10:35 PM
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rant
I really want to cut off mouse, she never actually talks to me unless I bring up us not talking or something similar. I messaged her a week or so ago saying we were growing apart, and if I just disappeared don't worry about it. But she pulled the oh I miss you so much etc. thing again and that just makes me feel bad and I stay. She says she misses me but never messages me first, never asks to hang out, and I'm always seeing her post on tiktok with her other friend. I don't mind that of course just that she says she misses me and wants to see me but instead sees someone else, yanno? Just bothers me. I've felt lonely lately because the only friend I seem to truly have is bun, and they live on the other side of the world. I know I'm not lonely but it really feels like it sometimes. When mouse and I first started talking again we talked daily, almost constantly, sending each other vids and just talking about anything. Now I don't get any updates on anything anymore. They're going back to college soon too and we were supposed to hang out more before then, the last time I saw her being July 4th. Idk, I should just cut ties and not say anything. But I do miss being as close as we were. I don't think it's gonna go back to that again though.
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06/18/2021 09:36 PM
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work sux
God I wanted to yell at work today, these two kids came in and first were going to pay with rolls of pennies. Okay, fine, lemme get the thing to weigh them. They then started counting out $2 in nickles? The girl didn't even know how many nickles it took to make a dollar. The boy with her had to tell her. I told them they didn't have to count them all out bc I was gonna weigh the pennies, but she continued bc it wouldn't been "faster." It was not faster, I had to manually count all of them after they did. They just left didn't even finish with the checkout. I just don't like people. Then some lady assumed I was giving her an evil look bc she dropped something. I wasn't even looking at you, I was zoned out chill.
Some lady had her kid in the store that kept dragging sh*t around and leaving it all over the floor. Mom didn't even care, didn't say anything or pick up after her. Just kept walking and ignored it. This was right before we closed too. God I f***ing hate retail, but I hate food more. That was my rant from work. Everything is just annoying me today.
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06/11/2021 11:57 PM
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much needed vent, tw's
Current mood:
 depressed
These past few years have honestly been difficult. With my gma mostly. She's got alziemers, been progressing for 3 or 4 years. I just googled how long someone with it can live and I really shouldn't have. It said 4 to 8, up to 20. I know that's just a generalization and I shouldn't even worry. But dammit. I've had such a rough time lately but I won't talk to anyone about it. I love her so much and I can't imagine living without her. I've been with her for all 21 years of my life, she's the one who raised me. She took care of me and now I'm taking care of her. I was such an ass as a teen and I regret a lot of things I've done regarding her, I put her through hell and am probably some of the reason for her blood pressure issues and stress. I know I shouldn't blame myself and she wouldn't want me to, even if it isn't my fault at all. I still do. She's gotten bladder infections more often lately, she's on her second and this time it took her strength. Thankfully she's starting to gain it back with the antibiotics, but I was terrified yesterday. We gave her some azo to help with the side pain and a bit later she just passed out. Started throwing up a lot. Just didn't react well to the azo. Then the next day after her dr appointment, she fell in the yard and hurt her wrist. Thankfully that wasn't bad either. Just has her sore. She sat down in the floor later and couldn't get up. She had to call for me to help her lay down and rest a second. I ended up having to lift her up onto the couch. I don't mind at all helping her or doing these things, it just takes a toll on me because some days she doesn't even know who I am. I know she vaguely knows, but she doesn't recognize me always. I have to tell her. She doesn't remember raising me. She says she wish she knew I was her grandkid when I was young so she could've spoiled me. She did, she really did. I was attatched to her and wouldn't let her go anywhere without me. I don't want anything to happen to her, ever. I've lived with her in this exact house for my entire life. She's getting worse, she'll be 77 this year. I want to relapse so f***ing bad. I want to cut I want to cut. My arm. So bad. My arms itch, they yearn for it. I can't stand it. There isn't anything anyone can do for me, there won't ever be. I know I'll never be the same after something happens with her. I won't be the same again ever. I know I'm gonna relapse and go into a super dark state. I just don't want to lose her. I always used to pray as a kid that god would just take us both up to heaven so we could be together forever. I don't believe in god, but that sounds ideal. She doesn't remember to drink much. She barely eats. She sometimes doesn't even know where she is. She's so fragile. F***, I don't even know. There isn't anything else to say. I'm just f***ing depressed and I want to slice my skin open. I want to focus on something other than what's going on with her. I try to push it to the back of my mind and keep my composure for her and everyone around me, but I'm f***ing breaking inside. I don't like sleeping at night because as soon as my head hits the pillow and I'm not doing anything my mind drifts and wanders and all I can do is think about her. I don't know what to do. There isn't anything more I can do except be there for her and love her. One night she was in so much pain she was praying and thought she was dying. That in itself tore me the f*** up. I lost it and was crying with her. Her side just hurt her real bad from the infection. I hope that goes away soon too. I don't talk about this sh*t with anyone. I say something about what happened, but never any of the emotions or how f***ing much it hurts. I'll joke around about it and say yeah, it f***in sux or something. But never will I say it seriously. Like hey, I really need some help I can't take this. My brain and mental state is deteriorating. I'm just going to put on a happy f***ing face and pretend everything is okay. Get lost in some f***ing mmo where I can pretend I'm someone else and everything is okay when my real life is going to sh*t. I want her to be proud of me but I haven't even acomplished anything for her to be proud of. I'm a high school drop out, I never went back or got my GED. I'm 21 and just now learning how to drive. I've just got my permit. I've got a f***ing larceny charge, can't get a better paying job. Not that I don't like my current job, I love everyone there we're like a big family. But if I wanted one I couldn't get one. When I'm not working I sit at home all day and play a game. I don't DO anything worth being proud for. I'm a failure. I'm disableing comments because this is just a big vent. I want no sympathy. There is nothing anyone can do for me. Saying you're there for me doesn't do anything, I won't talk to you about my emotions. F***, I barely tell my partner any of this. I keep it all inside. No one can help, so what's the use talking about it?
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06/04/2021 10:39 PM
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stabbed
Current mood:
 anxious
As I've posted about I pierced both of my eyebrows! I like them a lot even though I don't think they're even at all. It isn't noticeable apparently though so that's fine. As long as they aren't super obvious. I'm also anxious about them though, I know I should've used a longer bar than the ones I did to compensate for the swelling. I hope they'll be fine bc of that. I'm sure they will. They're a little sore but of couse that's because I just shoved a needle through my skin. I'm just typing all of this out because if I didn't I'd just sit and be anxious about it. This isn't going to help completely but it'll get the thoughts out of my head. They'll be fine, I shouldn't worry. It's just new piercing anxiety I get with literally every single one.
Other than piercings, I drove on the highway for the first time today. It wasn't bad at all. I didn't go that far and it wasn't busy, so it wasn't bad. I drove around my friend bc she's normally the one driving me around lol. She seemed to like not having to do the work. I wanted to hang out with her some more but she was going to play dnd. I'm lowkey sad I don't get invited to anything. Ever, really. Maybe it's because I always say no or dodge it, but idk. I don't do it depending on what it is or who it is.
Anyways, I dunno what I wanna do. I want to play something maybe but I've gotta get up early so I don't want to be up too late. But I don't want to sleep either. My brain is weird.
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05/30/2021 09:15 PM
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driving
I've been driving more recently ~
It's nowhere near as bad as I thought it'd be. Yeah, I'm 21 and just learning to drive, but I never had anyone to teach me when I was a teen. Sh*t happens. A couple people have let me drive their cars though and I'm slowly getting the hang of it. My manager let me drive myself home and I only made her nervous once, lmao. It's pretty fun.
My s/o was supposed to get me after work tonight but instead is gonna get me in the morning, which isn't bad but I don't wanna wake up at 8am. I mean, I do because I like being awake, but lately I've been staying up until around 2 bc I just don't like sleeping. It's weird and hard to explain. I love being asleep once I'm sleeping, but before I get to that point I want to avoid it at all costs because I feel like I'm wasting time out of my day. My days already go by so fast. Last thing I remember I was 14 now I'm 21. Sux, but I'm not gonna get sad tonight. Gonna listen to the Magnus Archives and grind on bdo :3
I got some small vials the other day at work I'm gonna fill one with my blood and send it along with an empty one to bun so I can get theirs in return. I've been looking into how to prevent blood from coangulating, seems difficult but I'm gonna give it a shot. I'm also sending my tooth I got pulled recently bc they wanna do a friendship spell with it. Put my tooth in a little thing with some of their own blood. I wouldn't do this if I didn't trust them, and they said the same for me. I know you think about it often but I don't know what would cause us to have a fall out? I mean, we live on opposite sides of the world. I'm sure we'll be fine and even if we did have a disagreement, neither of us care for drama as we've watched each other go through it so it wouldn't be a big deal. We're adults after all, lmao.
Anyways, my cats back on my desk and I'll feel too bad if I chuck her off again so I'm gonna end this now and pet her ig.
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05/28/2021 12:52 PM
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rant
Current mood:
 blah
Hnnn I was in a good mood and didn't really care about my partners family having a cookout this weekend until I found out so many people are coming. Every cookout they have without me it's like everyone comes to, they put more effort into planning. Yeah they had one with me the other week but it was only a few people, the extras were just my brother in laws friends. Which sucked, I didn't even know any of them. His sister planned this one and asked if I could come but didn't give enough time for me to get off. One week in advance isn't sh*t when you work. They know I need at least 2 weeks to plan anything. Idk, I'm upset about this and it lowkey ruined my day. I just want to go back to bed now.
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05/26/2021 12:47 PM
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cough
Current mood:
 sick
I can't get rid of this cough for the life of me. I hate being sick so much. I wish I could just stay out of work more days bc of it but I can't, my next paycheck is going to be sh*t where I was out these past few days. Not like I have a lot of bills to pay but I still need to buy things for myself. I gotta eat.
Hopefully this next stimulus check will come soon, I could use the extra money. I can go back to the dentist and get this cavity filled. It'd cost about $300. That's a whole paycheck, I can't afford that unless I get a stimulus.
I know people who complain about the stimulus checks, and how they're not helping and they're just going to ruin the economy or whatever. I'm just convinced those people are priviledged and don't actually care about the people who don't make as much money, or need help.
Other than that I decided on how I'm going about this new skyrim playthrough.
I'm playing a Bosmer, who follows some of the green pact rules even though they're not in Valenwood.
Maybe. It's not set in stone yet.
She doesn't eat any vegetable or fruit, only meat. Has the ring of Namira so she can eat corpses.
I haven't decided on if I'll allow her to be a werewolf or not, since they aren't supposed to shapeshift. Maybe she broke the pact and is able to shift into werewolf form. I haven't thought that much into it yet, just basic rules for her to follow.
She'll most likely be a stealth archer, using a dagger or axe for close combat. Haven't decided yet.
I'm really indecisive when it comes to these things but I'm working it out.
Who knows, I may not even follow any of that.
I'm gonna sleep now though, gnight.
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05/25/2021 01:07 PM
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sneep
I haven't posted a blog in awhile, so here's one.
The past almost week I've been with my partner. Super fun. He got me on my day off and we ate out with his mom, then I just called out of work the next day and went and stayed with him. If I didn't he would've had to come right back the next day and he lives around 45 minutes from me. My manager actually suggested it, so I didn't feel bad about it.
I did end up getting sick which I think was karma for that, lol
We both got tested for covid bc his coworker tested postive, but we were negative thank god. I came home yesterday and worked today. I'm off tomorrow.
I played through the entirity of resident evil village, it was super good. The ending was sad though. Certainly a twist though, I didn't expect Mia to still be alive and Ethan to have been made of mold. I did suspect something going on with him though considering Chris and Mia were keeping him in the dark about something, and Miranda wanting to test him like she did. Also, how else would Rose have been powerful? If not for Ethan and Mia. Idk, I really enjoyed it. Good combination of new and old resident evil games. I could tolerate it tremendously bc it wasn't just purely horror. The duke making a ref to the old merchant made me super happy. "As an old friend of mine would say, what're you buying?" Loved it.
I got my parter to almost finish death note. Four episodes left. I also got them into jujutsu kaisen. I have a bad habit of getting him into an anime then wanting to watch another bc I finished it before he did. He never wants to watch anything other than youtube though, so I sometimes have to force him.
Somehow I've ended up with pink eye. Or maybe it's just bad allergies, I am still sick. Idk but I got some eye drop relief that's helped.
I'm gonna go to sleep though, sorry for this being a lot of incoherent things ^^
Not like the void cares, though lol
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05/13/2021 09:39 PM
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imvuuu
I've gotten back into imvu,, bun and I got married and I made my own chat room ^^
Much clutter, I love it.
My tooth is healing great I'm able to smoke cigs and drink caffeine again! I probably shouldn't smoke, but I don't smoke much to begin with. More of a social thing.
I've also been playing wow more than eso, I want to unlock the other races but that's sooo much work.
Especially when I'm a completionist and want to complete every achievement and quest in an area...
It's fun to look at but takes so much time T.T
There's drama at work somewhat, my coworker asked for every Tuesday off so she can play dnd. But the other cashiers don't think it's fair. One asked for Sundays off so they could go to church but didn't get it. Dnd coworker we'll call Red.
Another reason ppl are upset about it is because Tuesday when I called out bc of my tooth, Red was called in but refused to work because she had plans to play dnd. She said "so and so can work." But that cashier had a cardioologist appointment, and couldn't. Our manager talked to Red last night and told her she needs to learn to be more flexible and step up when needed like the rest of us do.
This all started just bc I was complaining to my manager about Red ignoring me and me not being invited to dnd with them, LOL
I was just ranting, I didn't expect anything more out of it. I didn't even know Red requested every Tuesday off hahah
Sh*t works out I guess, idk
Anyways, Saturday after work I'm going to my partners and I'll be staying with him the next 4 days! It's been so long since I've actually seen him. I saw him for a couple hours before work the other day but we didn't do much, we just went to Walmart. So that'll be fun. I'm nervous to see him, it's been awhile since I went to his house. I shouldn't be, we've been together for 5 years, my anxiety is just weird.
Well I'm probably gonna play some wow or something, maybe shop for more clutter on imvu. I'll figure it out ^^
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05/10/2021 01:12 PM
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goose
I've got a goose on my screen. I forgot about the goose you could have as a desktop buddy so I downloaded him. He's pulling up a big meme. He got made and chased my cursor when I closed the windows. He's my bud now. I love him.
I should've done this earlier bc it's after 1am and I'm tired.
Mother's day wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but I definitely had my mom in my thoughts the whole day. I stayed the night with my manager last night and gave her kids my psvr. They really enjoyed it, I bought them a fnaf vr game. I've never played fnaf before but I would like to know the lore, it seems interesting. Creepy things are cool to me.
My partner came and got me from her house after I ate with them, and we went to walmart to get something for his mom. He got a new vape and some sushi, then I went into work. It was steady for I guess last minute shopping. I wanted to get my gma something but I wasn't able to. Since I was gone all day I'll do something with her tomorrow to make up for it.
I started drinking caffeine again yesterday and I had one cigarette yesterday as well. I think I'm going to try and quit smoking now that I've only had one in about a week. I'm not looking forward to the withdrawls though. I quit smoking a year or so ago and I had such a bad headache for 3 days straight. I was also super irritable. Maybe having caffeine in place of nicotine will help curb the headaches, I dunno. Pain killers did nothing for them.
Uhh, I bought the Isle two days ago and played for a little bit but eventually got a refund bc there wasn't any AI despite it saying there was, and it was just boring. Super good concept, I love dinosaurs and playing as one seemed fun. But all you did was eat, drink, and rest. No dangers other than other players. I know it's still being developed but I wasn't going to play it anymore. I might buy it again when it's more complete but it depends.
Oh I gave my other manager her gift for the baby shower and she cried,, I guess that means I did a good job with the present haha.
I'm gonna get off, my goose is telling me he's an agent of chaos.
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