Today went well, I did my laundry and cleaned up my room. I even cosplayed for a bit. But I'm not too great now,, my partner and I got into a slight argument and I feel sh*tty. I'm kind of an emotionless person now, zombified maybe. I wasn't medicated when we first got together so I was always depressed and anxious, even suicidal. But now I am medicated and I'm none of those things. Except I don't show affection anymore. I don't really feel it. I know I love him I just can't feel emotions unless they're super dulled. That of course affects him because he isn't feeling the love and affection he needs or deserves. I wish I knew how to turn those feelings back on in my brain but I haven't found a way yet. He wants me to try talking to my doctor again and getting a lower dosage or a different medication, but I'm kind of reluctant because I don't like change and I've been on this same medication for around 5 years or more. I agree it does suck I can't feel good emotions strongly anymore, but that compared to me being unbearably anxious about something that happened before I even knew he existed is so much better to me. It may sound selfish but I'd much rather feel this way than the way I did before. I just need to find a way to force myself to show him love and affection. It's hard though. I do adore him. He's put up with me through so much and he continues to do so. I'm just kind of an ass. Or not, I don't know. I can't really percieve myself. I'm mentally ill and I don't think he understands to the full extent of how much and how bad it can be for me. I don't exactly talk about everything to everyone. I want to relapse self harming often but I don't mentoin it to anyone. Idk, I'll be fine tomorrow. Or maybe in an hour, who knows.