my valentines was good for the most part...i got this beautiful painting of one of my dolls and i by my friend Lydia, i love it sooo so so much! i gave my friends a piece of chocolate each and everyone was happy and called me very swweet, that makes me feel like a real person who people like and it makes me happy . but i cried a lot today and i have been for a few days now...so embarassing. everyone stared and said nothing but i dont care about anything. i had two redbulls and a salad, yum yum yum ! i wore my pretty red dress and everybody complimented my figure and that made me happy because people think im pretty so im real. my lovely friend cameron gave me a rose so now i can keep it on my wall to dry, like my other one. im drinking water with lime today. instead of my usually combo, i layered new scents for valentines: Gentle Fluidity by Maison Francis Kurkdjian Paris, The Pink Bedroom by Marissa Zappas, and Black Raspberry Vanilla B&BW body cream. i smell like a dream
I've been doing so much better than I had been before ! I think I'm relapsing a little in my eating habits (or lack thereof), but thats' a different problem for a different month of the year. I'm getting evaluated for a therapist soon, though.
I went to a skating rink last night and had little to no fun...my town is crowded and boring, but I love my friends. I wonder if i'll have to medicate? I'll probably turn into a bitch or a total zombie like I was on adderal if I do. I've been watching a lot of Twin Peaks lately because a friend reccomended it. I love my friends so much, more than anything else in my life....not as much as my girlfriend though.
Today i'm grateful for my ceibacy. I see how sex has ruined the people and things I love very dearly, and I'm just thankful God didnt want a life like that for me and my family.
since i could remember ive always always always beliebed my actions are a show/example/trial ran by God or some sort of authority/it can range from a diety to a government to my own peers but i feel like ive always been on a spectacle im always watched in some shape or form. my words and actions are being monitored so ive never had the room in life to be cruel like the rest of the world. in a way im blessed/but arent all blessings curses through different lenses? vise vera? i think everyone i consider a friend is in on the opperation (i hope they gave me a cute codename). i feel like a prophet i need to spread my word/but what happens when your word is demonized? how do you demonize an angel.....everything is unfair but everything is so pure and just too. i love my life its terrible
tomorrow my mom and i r going to the nail salon and then breakfast but i hatehatehate the harsh smells and the.noises and the bright lights im also getting an eyebrow wax so ill need 2 brace myself 4 that.../beauty is pain beauty is pain without pain where would beauty go where would beauty stay...sigh sigh sigh. amen
god is hidingin my mindful mind sometimes only comes at night to bless me from the sadness of the world// god is the deepening of my collar bones and the achingin in my legs but i stand for you and i sit and lay for you and i love you// today is a wondeerful day
blah
, i love it sooo so so much! i gave my friends a piece of chocolate each and everyone was happy and called me very swweet, that makes me feel like a real person who people like and it makes me happy 
. but i cried a lot today and i have been for a few days now...so embarassing. everyone stared and said nothing but i dont care about anything. i had two redbulls and a salad, yum yum yum ! i wore my pretty red dress and everybody complimented my figure and that made me happy because people think im pretty so im real. my lovely friend cameron
blissful
contemplative
)
anxious
im also getting an eyebrow wax so ill need 2 brace myself 4 that.../beauty is pain beauty is pain without pain where would beauty go where would beauty stay...sigh sigh sigh. amen 
blessed