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12/20/2023 09:13 PM 

Alive in this moment

I think about all the bad things that have ever happened to me but I am alive in this moment. Every trauma, every gut wrenching moment, has lead up to this, and I'm really happy with where I am today. I truly appreciate everyone that has ever been in my life- whether they used me for their own gain, or were in my life for a literal 2 seconds. Everything has impacted me and turned me into who i am today. 

09/21/2023 12:51 PM 

GIRL IN F***ING PIECES

I finished this book in under a week! My teacher had it in his library and I pray to god he does not notice the water damage.
TW
SA SH

Synopsis:
The book focuses on 17 year old Charlie Davis, who has known nothing but struggle all of her life. From living homeless on the street, losing friends, to experiencing rejection and being preyed upon. She makes an abrupt move from Minnesota to Arizona after she realizes her mother won't be able to care for her any longer. She struggles with self mutilation, the shame that comes with it, and her artwork. 
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My review from a few days ago:
This is a VERY realistic depiction of self harm and how it makes you feel. the shame and everything that comes with it. how people will always have something to say about your looks- whether theyre calling you a walking trigger or how you shouldnt hide your scars. how everyones perception on you seems to dictate you. this book revolves around self destruction in general, how you want to tear down everything and everything with you. I really love how her mindset at the start and end of the book are completely f***ing different. How at one point she thinks she has lost everything, and just a few weeks later shes back on her feet. rinse and repeat until its truly better. I really love how she has a supportive environment that really fosters her. a community that truly wants to look out for her. i really appreciate how it wasnt just bad sh*t happening to her over and over again. HOWEVER IT REDEEMS THE F***ING GROOMER AND IT FLUSHED EVERYTHING DOWN THE F***ING DRAIN LIKE EXCUSE ME AUTHOR YOU Just RUINED THE WHOLE BOOK. I kind of understand because it IS from this almost 18/freshly 18 year old that wants to be loved so bad's point of view. That makes me understand. but at the same time, dude you wrote this book to help struggling kids. please dont normalize relationships like that. 10 years older man. thats disgusting
but then again GODDD I UNDERSTAND WHY SHE FELL INTO A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THATTTT its part of the self destruction (while also hopelessly clinging onto any affection and attention however hollow it may be) plus what she experienced from her mother and literally all the bad men in her life but that doesnt f***in change the fact that it was EXCUSED.

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06/14/2023 12:58 PM 

Old Internet
Current mood:  argumentative

I feel like the internet has become simultaneously more open while becoming less personal.
When I say social media ruined the goddamn internet, this is what I mean. 
Can we talk about how fun it is to not have instant messaging,  not having notifications for that sh*t or not knowing when theyre typing? If theyve seen it or not? EXQUISITE. Its so fun. Instant messaging is way too invasive. People always want an answer immediately.
Friendproject I feel is much more centered around the individual and their feelings, rather than their interests. This also goes for neocities because its like, a personal site. Its very fun seeing personal sites that arent business related. Show me ur cool hobbies!!!!! Show me your cool blogs!!!!!!  show me the tackiest color pallette with no care for ux rules!!!
I feel because of how powerful the internet has become, people are less likely to share their feelings & personal things. Because well, things that are put online will be online forEVER. but, we got people being absolute creeps and weirdos on platforms like twitter & snapchat, so i dont understand why online diaries and blogs arent more popular. if you can have an outlet for weird sh*t, why arent blogs where you talk about personal stuff more popular? It really sucks that people dont know the joy of blogging. Theres so many less independent forums now, you just go to reddit for that. The monetization of the internet has killed what made the internet so special. Filled with f***ing ads. Everything you use daily is some big company. There are little to no viable alternatives. Because they killed their competition. How many people use Whatsapp opposed to Signal? probably something like 10000:10. Use the lesser known app and you'll basically be forced to get the popular one because everyone uses it. Remember when you had options? Plus, if you have a problem with one of these companies apps and the sh*tty way they moderate them, theres no way of getting help unless you pay up. If you dont, youre the product itself. (Instagram will not have support for non-paying users, because they are the product, unlike the customer.) Whens the last time you logged onto Neogaf? 
Whens the last time you looked at r/PCgaming? not too long ago, huh?
I will say that this sadly gives me a little bit of respect for 4chan. Just because despite housing some of the worst people, it f***ing stinks of old internet. In the worst way possible. Oh well. 
TL, DR:
We need independence on the internet again. Big corporations have killed the magic of the internet & what made it fun.
 

06/12/2023 12:44 PM 

Lowkey

I know I literally live in LA 
but f***! I wanna stay in PDX for atleast a weekk. Their scene is way too f***ing cool. Every time I wanna go to a show like 5/10 times its in f***in PDX.
most of my fav DJs are from there, absolutely abysmal. Id wanna go to early 2000s toronto for their scene too. but thats never happening. Atleast I got the internet so i can listen to this sh*t without being there. Esp myspace bless myspace for getting all this music across the world. but also f*** myspace for not knowing how to transfer data. all that music lost 4evr

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06/11/2023 04:38 PM 

Another update to an older blog post
Current mood:  cynical

This post is an update to... a past blog. Find it if you wish~

It's crazy how indoctrination can f*** you up for months, how it stays in your system for months on end even after you realize you were in a f***ed up ass situation. How it seems to be coming back to me years later. Stay safe kids.

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